Archive for the ‘happiness’ Category

The Five Love Languages

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

I spent a very pleasant evening yesterday in the company of my peers of Cognitive Hypnotherapists at a talk organised by the company I did my training with, The Quest Institute (www.questinstitute.co.uk) listening to a talk by one of the graduates, Russell Davies on The Five Love Languages.

The Five Love Languages talk developed from the ideas of a book by the same name, written by Gary Chapman. The premise is that we all have a preference for the way we show love to others and the way we would want to be shown it by others. By communicating our love in a way that the other person can understand it we are more likely to be successful in getting the meaning of the communication that we want.

The trouble is, we can have a tendency to show love in the way we prefer to receive it. Unfortunately this may not be in the same way as our partner prefers to receive it! By understanding your preferred way, you can begin to understand your partners as well and enhance your relationship.

Of course, when I talk about ‘love’, I’m not merely talking about it from the romantic perspective, but within any relationship that we have with other people. However, I will be referring to ‘partners’ here, purely for simplicity.

WARNING: understanding your partner’s love language can radically effect their behaviour!

So, here they are:

1 Words of Affirmation

Does criticism crush you? Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses his or her gratitude for you?
Some people like to be told they are loved – they need it to be said out loud. This can be done in a number of ways, of course, not just saying those three little words:

 Try simple compliments
 Use encouraging words
 Include kind and humble words (don’t forget the tone of voice should match the words!)
 There should be absence of criticism or judgement

2 Quality Time

Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you his or her undivided attention? With this preference, your partner’s way of knowing they are loved would be to spend good, quality time together. Again, there are many ways to do this, including:

 Giving your undivided attention
 Doing quality activities together (the things they would want to do, not you)
 Having quality conversations (real, honest learning, listening and talking)
 Offering understanding to problems, not necessarily solutions to them
 Demonstrating that understanding (using clarification when necessary)
 Learning to talk by sharing feelings

3 Gifts

Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you a gift or another tangible expression of his or her love? This can be high on some people list of importance. It need not necessarily be expensive, but is seen as an outward sign of the love you share. They can be:

 Symbols of love
 Bought, made or found
 The gift of yourself just by being present

4 Acts of Service

Do you feel especially loved when someone pitches in to help you or helps with the chores? Quite often it is easy to get into the situation within a relationship, where there is almost a demarcation of who does what job. When there is a preference for love to be shown, it may mean doing something that you might not ordinarily do. Make sure:

 You are doing what they want to do, not what you want to do
 Do what’s most important to them

5 Physical Touch

Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses their love through physical contact. A hug can say more than a hundred words to the person whose love language is physical touch. It can be:

 Powerful
 Explicit (massage or holding hands)
 Implicit (a glancing touch when passing)
 Not just about sex

Communicating love to your partner in their preferred love language can transform your relationship, as they will feel emotionally loved and wanted. You might think ‘what’s in it for me?’ Well, they will automatically respond and reflect that love back to you. And if they don’t seem to understand your preferential love language, tell them how you like to feel loved. See if you can identify your partners primary love language and then do something to express your love to them in that way and watch the transformation unfold.

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

This made me laugh but at the same time think how true it is. Watch to the end …

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1]

Daydreams may solve complex problems

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

This article published on the website Globe and Mail gives an interesting insight into daydreaming and how it may be useful to us.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/daydreams-may-solve-complex-problems/article1134033/

Letting your mind wander is not a waste of time, according to a new study 

Comments By Marina Jiménez Last updated on Thursday, May. 14, 2009 03:12AM EDT

People spend one third of their waking lives daydreaming. But letting your mind wander is not a waste of time, according to a new study. It’s a chance for the brain to stop focusing on immediate tasks, and subconsciously resolve important life problems.

The study, published yesterday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, shows that brain areas associated with complex problem solving, previously thought to go dormant during daydreaming, are in fact highly active.

“A lot of people reject daydreaming as a wasteful activity,” says Kalina Christoff, the study’s lead author and a University of British Columbia psychology professor. “But our study suggests that if you daydream, you might be able to advance some of your current concerns.”

The study put 15 research subjects through a functional MRI for 90 minutes, to examine the metabolic processes of their brains. They completed a simple, routine task of pushing a button when numbers appeared on a screen.

Prof. Christoff tracked the research subjects’ attentiveness through brain scans, subjective reports and by monitoring their performance of the task. She found that two key regions of the brain were active during daydreaming: the “default network,” associated with easy, routine mental activity, and the brain’s “executive network,” associated with high-level, complex problem-solving.

Usually when one network is working, the other isn’t. It is rare to see them working in tandem, the paper concludes. As well, the brain activity was most active when the research subjects weren’t aware they were daydreaming.

“When your mind wanders, a different kind of thinking occurs,” said Prof. Christoff. “When you aren’t trying to solve problems deliberately, it provides more mental space, you make connections and let your mind go wherever it wants.”

She has long been interested in spontaneous thought – but it is difficult to study because it doesn’t occur on cue. But now studies are being designed that permit scientists to look at the quantity and quality of brain activity during “mind wandering.”

Prof. Christoff says that many of her best research ideas have come to her when she is in the car, daydreaming.

“Driving is the perfect activity for letting your mind wander because it is highly automatized and requires only a small part of our attention,” she said. “When you daydream, you may not achieve your immediate goal, say reading a book or paying attention in class. But your mind may be taking that time to address more important questions in your life.”

She compares it to mulling over a life decision and letting it circulate in your brain, as opposed to deliberately weighing the pros and cons. Prof. Christoff runs UBC’s Cognitive Neuroscience of Thought Laboratory, which studies neural and cognitive mechanisms of human thought, reasoning and problem solving. Her research team for the study included members who are now at Stanford University and the University of California at Santa Barbara.

Hunting for the secrets of a happy marriage

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way” — Leo Tolstoy, “Anna Karenina”

Wed April 29, 2009

By A. Pawlowski

(CNN) No one can truly know what goes on inside a marriage except the two people involved, but researchers are getting increasingly good glimpses at what makes couples tick, how relationships are stressed and what factors can keep the spark alive.

The goal: To find out what keeps love alive and couples together.

Putting marriage under a microscope has resulted in new long-term studies that are showing better than ever how a birth or simple boredom can drain a union.

More surprisingly, old photographs might help predict your chances of getting a divorce, new research suggests.

All of the findings can help couples learn lessons about their relationships and their spouses, said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine who specializes in couples and families and also serves as chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia.

To have children or not?

Movies often portray the birth of a child as a joyous event that solidifies a couple’s union, but the arrival of the first baby puts a sudden, important strain on a marriage, according to a study published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Researchers followed more than 200 couples for eight years after their wedding — the longest study yet looking at the impact of a child on marriage.

About 90 percent of mothers and fathers saw at least some decreases in relationship satisfaction after they became parents, said Brian Doss, assistant psychology professor at Texas A&M University and one of the authors of the study.

Don’t Miss Finding love on a deadline Moms spill truth about motherhood Spouses who were the most romantic before the birth of their child found the transition to parenthood the most difficult.

“Couples who were really enjoying a lot of the quality time they were spending before birth had a lot more to lose,” Doss said.

“Whereas couples who just naturally over time had adopted more of a friendship relationship, kind of a co-partner relationship, perhaps didn’t miss or didn’t notice the loss of that connection as much.”

Staying childless wasn’t the secret to marital bliss, however. Couples in the study who didn’t have children still became less happy with their marriage, just much more gradually than those who had children.

Couples considering starting a family may find the results alarming, but psychologists say they serve as a reminder that a relationship needs to be nurtured.

“People tend to be less dedicated to their relationship and not prioritize being with each other,” Kaslow said. “This deterioration seems to be pretty sudden right after the birth, so that’s a particularly crucial time to be mindful of it.”

Simple steps can go a long way to keeping a relationship strong. Couples can start by setting aside some private time every day, even if it’s just 15 minutes, and scheduling a weekly date, Kaslow advised.

How to fight boredom

Most people think that problems and tension spell trouble in a marriage, but a new study has found boredom is also a powerful force in eroding marital bliss.

Couples who reported being in a rut seven years into their marriage were significantly less satisfied with their relationship when researchers checked back with them nine years later, according to a study to be published next month in Psychological Science.

“For boredom to have such long-term implications I think is very significant,” said co-author Terri Orbuch, a research professor at the University of Michigan and a professor of sociology at Oakland University.

But closeness over time can eliminate that effect, the study also found.

How can couples get close if they’re feeling bored? Sharing novel activities with each other — like taking a cooking class or learning to ski — is the key, said Orbuch, who has been following a group of married couples for 22 years and is writing a book about their marriage strategies.

Some boredom is inevitable in a marriage, but it is absolutely possible for a couple to reignite a relationship, Kaslow agreed.

Her parents have just started taking classes about opera together and have assembled a “bucket list” of all the places in the world they still haven’t been to that they would like to visit. “They want to do more exciting things even at their age to nurture the relationship. I think that’s what healthy long-term relationships do,” Kaslow said.

What do photos reveal?

Surprisingly, a possible clue about whether you stay married or get divorced may be contained in your photo album.

Researchers analyzed photos taken in childhood or young adulthood from hundreds of people and rated their expressions on a “smile intensity score.”

The less intensely the subjects smiled, the more likely they would be divorced later in life, while the biggest smilers had lower divorce rates, according to a study published online this month by the journal Motivation and Emotion.

Scientists don’t know what accounts for the link, but say a smile may indicate higher levels of positive emotions and signal other traits, said co-author Matt Hertenstein, associate professor of psychology at DePauw University and head of the school’s Touch and Emotion Lab.

“People who smile a lot may attract happier people and maybe happier marriage partners,” Hertenstein said.

“It may be that people who smile in response to a photographer are more obedient people and obedience may help in a marriage. I really don’t know the explanation.”

Before you run to check your spouse’s yearbook photo, keep in mind one picture can’t tell the whole story, Kaslow said.

“I think the issue really is both getting a sense of a whole set of pictures and also the level of positivity that [people] bring into life and relationships,” she said.

Building Blocks of Bliss

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Interesting how after all the research done on the subject, we don’t really know what the key to happiness is. It would seem that we can’t just put it down to one or two things, but it looks like we might be getting closer to knowing … This article from Psychology Today explains the latest findings.
An optimistic outlook and strong interpersonal bonds are key to happiness.

By: Anna Schneider-Mayerson

If Tolstoy was correct in his famous statement that happy families are essentially “happy in the same way,” researchers have yet to find that common denominator. When it came to analyzing extremely happy college students, researchers were reduced to triangulation: The very happy are not more religious, nor do they exercise or sleep more than the rest of us. True, they spend more time socializing and receive the highest self and peer ratings on the quality of their relationships.

But some unhappy students were equally social and boasted satisfactory relationships, according to Martin Seligman, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, and Edward Diener, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, who compared college students in the top 10 percent on bliss indices to those whose moods were average to miserable. The researchers liken happiness to “symphonic music necessitating many instruments, without any one being sufficient for the beautiful quality.”

Diener describes the top-rated students as “happy most of the time, rather than intensely happy a lot.” Interestingly, 6 of the 22 extremely happy students exhibited a degree of hypomania indicative of “active, energetic people who are very self-confident.”

While optimism is not tantamount to happiness, optimists and the very happy both have strong social networks. This support system, as well as coping mechanisms such as the “every cloud has a silver lining” mentality, known as “positive reinterpretation and growth,” enables optimists to better weather stress and depression.

“Most personality psychologists examine the benefits of optimism in terms of what optimists do for themselves,” explains Ian Brissette, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Rutgers University, who studied 89 college freshmen during their first semester at school. But “benefits may also stem from the ability to develop social support,” says Brissette. “Optimists experience better mental health not only because of what they do but because of what others do for them.” The results were published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Experiences make us happier than things

Monday, March 30th, 2009

Here’s a new twist on the ‘money doesn’t make you happy’ senario from Startribune.com. It would certainly stand to reason that experiences have the possibility to make us happier, simply because memories last longer than material things generally – but do they need to be ‘good’ experiences? I suppose they do …

Experiences make us happier than things By SHARI ROAN, Los Angeles Times Last update: March 29, 2009 – 12:59 PM

Money is an emotional issue, especially during economic hard times. Social scientists have always warned that once a person’s basic needs are met, money doesn’t buy happiness. But if you’re wondering, or maybe even arguing over, what to do with any precious discretionary income these days, a new study suggests how to get the biggest emotional bang for your buck.

Ryan Howell, an assistant professor of psychology at San Francisco State University, found that buying experiences — such as vacations, going to the theater or renting a sailboat — gave people more happiness than buying material things.

The study, of 154 people ages 19 to 50, showed that experiences increase happiness because they are often social in nature. In addition, however, experiences tend to make people feel more alive.

“People report a sense of feeling invigorated or inspired,” Howell said.

Experiences might also yield more happiness because people are left with positive memories, a sort of return on their investment.

“It’s not that material things don’t bring any happiness. It’s just that they don’t bring as much,” Howell said. “You’re happy with a new television set. But you’re thrilled with a vacation.”

The study might yield some lessons for Americans in despair over the recession. “For whatever you can afford, you’ll maximize your happiness, and the happiness of others around you, if you spend it on a life experience,” he said.

It doesn’t matter how much money you spend, either.

“Whether you spent a little or a lot on the life experience, you still have the same level of happiness,” he said.

The study was presented recently at an annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology and will be published this year in the Journal of Positive Psychology.

Think ahead, live longer

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

This article published in ABC Health and Wellbeing is very much in keeping with thoughts from Cognitive Hypnotherapy – imagine the future you want, and then allow the unconscious mind to guide you towards it (whilst doing a little work along the way to help the process, of course! See my website for details www.anitamitchell.co.uk):

The Pulse

by Peter Lavelle

People who plan ahead and think of the future are often healthier than those living for the here-and-now, argues a prominent US psychologist. Published 12/03/2009 

Do you live for the present, without worrying about tomorrow? Do you view the future through the prism of what’s happened to you in the past? Or do you keep one eye on the future in everything you do? Whichever you do, will impact directly on your health, argues US psychologist Philip Zimbardo. Zimbardo, Emeritus Professor at Stanford University, is the author of a new book The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will Change Your Life. In it he argues people tend to make decisions based on whether they are orientated to the past, present or future. Some people are dominated by their past experiences and this influences how they make decisions now. These past experiences may be positive – family or cultural traditions or rewards for good things they’ve done in the past – or they may be negative events – past traumas influencing what they do in the present. People with post-traumatic stress syndrome have been negatively influenced by their past. Other people are orientated towards the present. They seek immediate rewards, without much thought for the future, and are influenced by their body sensations and physiology (hunger, thirst, desire for sex etc) or what their peer group is doing. Rather than plan ahead, these people often rely on luck or fate and they tend to have lower levels of impulse control and emotional stability. Zimbardo says people who have addictions are very often present-thinkers, as are gamblers or those who run up credit card debts. Then there are people who are focused on the future, these people think of the consequences of their actions. They are good at controlling their egos and impulses; are conscientious, consistent, non-aggressive, and have low levels of depression. In reality we all have a bit of past, present and future orientation, but we tend to be skewed to one and underuse the others, says Zimbardo. He argues your time perspective may depend on many things including the climate you live in, your religion, your education (more educated people tend to be more future thinking), your gender (women are more future thinking than men), what income you earn (poorer people tend to be more present-orientated) and your age. In fact, we are all born present-thinkers, but become more focused on the future as we age, often in response to pressure from society. Many of the stories, nursery rhymes and games we play as kids encourage us to be forward-thinking; as does school and higher education. But being totally future-oriented is also unhealthy, says Zimbardo. Excessive emphasis on the future causes anxiety in the here and now, (as to how things might turn out) which can lead to social isolation and performance anxiety (especially anxiety about sexual performance). This is where present-oriented thinkers have some advantages; they make friends easily (being the ‘life of the party’), they are creative thinkers and have plenty of energy to enable them to achieve their goals. Being past-oriented (especially if your past experiences are positive) also has some advantages. Your family or culture may give you a sense of identity and continuity and provide you with positive role models. So what we need is a balance of all three ways of thinking. Healthy future So what does all this have do with your health? Zimbardo suggests there’s a very strong correlation between future orientation and health – the more future-oriented you are, the healthier you’ll be and the longer you’re likely to live. Research published in the British Journal of Health Psychology last month supports Zimbardo’s theory. Studies show people who are future thinkers tend to use drugs less, and adopt safe sex practices, the researchers say. Future thinkers also tend to be less likely to smoke and have healthier body mass indices, they conclude, after studying a group of about 400 people who answered questions about their health and lifestyles and who also underwent psychological testing including the Zimbardo Time Perspective Inventory (ZPTI) – a questionnaire Zimbardo helped develop in 1999 to test how people’s time perspective affects their decision making. (If you’re curious about which orientation you might be, do Zimbardo’s inventory yourself – just follow the link at the bottom of this page). On the other hand, other studies have shown that future-thinking doesn’t have much effect on whether people will get vaccinated, or stick to taking blood pressure or cholesterol medications. So future-thinking seems to be a factor in changing some behaviour but not others, say the British researchers. Getting the message out One of the challenges facing policymakers and health workers in preventative health is how to get people to forego junk food, drugs and alcohol, a sedentary lifestyle, for rewards that may be long into the future. But some public health messages may not be reaching their intended audience, says Zimbardo. Anti-drug campaigns warning of the future health risks of drug taking, for example, may be doomed to failure because their target audience (people inclined to use drugs) often live in the present and won’t listen to messages about the future. Peter Sainsbury, an Adjunct Professor of Public Health at Sydney University, agrees one of the challenges of mounting an effective public health program is to get people to change their behaviour for long-term benefits. “So you may need to give them a reason to change their behaviour in the here-and-now,” says Sainsbury. “For example, smokers may be more likely to quit if they think there’s an immediate benefit – better smelling breath, more success with the opposite sex for example, rather than the promise of better health twenty years from now.”

Satisfaction in life ripens with age

Saturday, August 16th, 2008

As seen on Canada.com:

Misty Harris ,  Canwest News Service

If the Rolling Stones couldn’t get no satisfaction in their youth, new research suggests they might have a better shot now that they qualify for the seniors’ discount.

A study published in the latest edition of the Journal of Positive Psychology investigates the origins of life satisfaction across adulthood and finds the secret to happiness evolves as we age, while the things that dissatisfy us remain constant.

The team of social scientists, drawing from a multi-year study of 818 people aged 18 to 94, were surprised to find that self-reported health was not a significant predictor of life satisfaction. The researchers say this helps explain why older people, who often experience a greater number of medical concerns, tend to rate their happiness just as high — if not higher — as younger people.

By way of example, a cancer patient who maintains a positive attitude will be more satisfied with life than the healthy athlete who’s too sad to smile.

“It’s encouraging, especially when you think about older Canadians,” says lead author Karen Siedlecki, a post-doctoral research fellow in Columbia University’s cognitive neuroscience division.

“Successful aging is a lot of the time defined in terms of cognitive or physical functioning, and it’s usually inevitable that those things will decline. But this shows that the really key components of successful aging may be how happy you are and how satisfied you are with your life, and these factors don’t tend to decline with age.”

The study revealed crystallized ability — the knowledge, skills and experience people acquire throughout their lives — was also not significantly associated with life satisfaction. Siedlecki explains that while age is associated with a general increase in knowledge, it doesn’t significantly change the degree to which people live a contented existence.

By contrast, fluid ability — the capacity to reason abstractly, solve novel problems and draw inferences — was a significant predictor of happiness among younger and middle-aged people, but didn’t notably affect older people.

Researchers suspect it’s because this aptitude is central to career advancement but loses importance after retirement.

“Intelligence is a really highly valued resource in our society and is closely linked with our life satisfaction” says Siedlecki. “But when we get older and leave the workforce, other things may take on more value, such as our emotional ties and bonds with friends.”

The things that bring us down, however, remain much the same at any age. Negative affect, which included elements of depression, anxiety and neuroticism, was a significant predictor of life satisfaction across young, middle-aged and older participants alike.

These were just as likely to make a teenager frustrated with life as someone in their twilight years.

Citing previous research, the study noted combined demographic variables such as income, education, marital status and gender only account for eight to 15 per cent of the differences in individual well-being. Money can buy happiness, it seems, just not very much of it.